Take what comes in your stride and let your energy rebound. Build positive momentum, elasticity, and endurance. Show up with equanimity regardless of what is going on.

and i guess there's nothing wrong with being still.

in my rearview mirror
my life is getting clearer
the sunset sighs and slowly disappears

i don't know where I'm going
but I know where I've been
and I'm afraid of going back again

"lost highway" - bon jovi

usually i avoid those who piss me off, or at least minimize interaction, cos i still can't - won't - hold my tongue and soften my words, or at least be dignified and gracious about my frustration. today, as with all the other times we've had to meet, i was probably much ruder to S than i needed to be. perhaps he didn't even notice, given how oblivious he is. doesn't help that i am just tired, tired with work and life in general. hate being angry.

watching the l word at age 30 - my late entry to the scene - and wondering how different things would have been if i'd grown up 10 years earlier or later.

"In breakout sessions at the conference, transgender men and women in their 50s and 60s described lives of heartache and rejection: years of hiding makeup under the mattress, estranged parents, suicide attempts. Those in their 20s and 30s conveyed a dedicated militancy: they wore nose rings and Mohawks, ate strictly vegan, and conducted heated debates about the definitions of queer and he-she and drag queen. But the kids treated the conference like a family trip to Disneyland. They ran around with parents chasing after them, fussing over twisted bathing-suit straps or wiping crumbs from their lips. They looked effortlessly androgynous, and years away from sex, politics, or any form of rebellion."

from 'A Boy's Life', The Atlantic 2008
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200811/transgender-children

we were talking about social change, wanting to contribute & help people. and B asked me, what is your passion? i muttered something about literacy issues, helping youths, education, social enterprise..

it is true but not quite accurate. the thing i feel the most strongly about is the one issue i can't talk about cleanly and clearly - glbt issues - precisely because it hits too close to home, feels too raw. i feel too lost myself to help anyone else, too selfish when i focus on it, because i suspect that all my concern for other queer people is a purely self-centred sort of empathy. feels like i care only because i share the same feeling - more like self-indulgence in my own issues, rather than true caring for others.

that makes me feel guilty. maybe i want my helping of others to be more others-centred. or maybe i hv internalised the guilt and condemnation that tells me that i am wrong through and through, and my own feelings and problems are not even worth acknowledging in the face of other perpetually bigger problems out there.

then again, must helping others be so clearly distinct from helping myself? we all hv our own issues & places where we are broken. i suppose there's nothing wrong with meeting others in that same place.

up on the watershed, standing at the fork on the road
you can stand there and agonize
till your agony's the heaviest load
you never fly as the crow flies, get used to a country mile
when you're learning to face the path at your pace
every choice is worth the while

(from 'watershed', indigo girls)

picked a horse card 2 weeks ago, and realised that i don't necessarily want to shake loose and run free like a wild maverick. i'm happy to take orders and carry my rider into battle. i just need to believe in the cause.

1. managed to deep-cut my fingers on plastic today and didn't realise till colleagues shrieked at all the blood. i wonder if i'm just more numb than calm.

2. met A and J for interesting discussion on the series.

3. set up two appointments today to interview people. sometimes i don't think too much before committing myself.. maybe that's not a bad thing. just do it!